I feel in a weird place, artistically.
Five years ago, I was deep into scrapbooking- I had a very artistic, painter-ly style. I was working towards being on design teams, and had received some notice and recognition. I had entered a few contests. Things were ‘going places’. All of the sudden, life took over, and a roller coaster began. I wouldn’t be able to make it back to the desk for almost a year, and by that time, I was emotionally overwhelmed with the thought of anything and everything- and certainly not pursuing things professionally. I barely scrapped and began to dabble in mixed media.
Somewhere in the middle of that- so about three years back- I received a few commissions for work. It was surprising and gratifying. I began to dream of what this could mean for me. Again, however, life took over, and I lost a baby- almost dying myself- and then would struggle with constant illness from that point forward. For the next two years, I would strain to maintain even the most basic of balances. Artistic endeavors took a permanent back seat- photography was about the only thing I pursued during that time.
A year ago, I finally began to heal. Art, scrapbooking–all of that came back into play. The lenten season was one of renewal, with a very specific focus on getting back to that place of artistic play. In the early summer, I offered up some of my prints for sale, wondering if this was the next step for me in cultivating a career that allowed me to do what I loved while helping support my family. They weren’t well received. I’m not sure of all the factors that went into that. Maybe I didn’t get enough buzz going via social media. Maybe they are just not a style people are interested in. I’m not sure. Needless to say, I’m wondering what I’m supposed to be doing next. I have this dream, and I’m not quite sure of the path from here to there.
I’ve been art journaling alot. Playing with techniques. My frustration right now is that I seem to go to a point that I like- and then push past it- and then what it turns into is not something I feel like is ‘me’. One seemed ripped from a high school girl’s notebook from the 1980s- a look that is decidedly not what I want or like. I feel like it is important to go back to the basics of finding that voice again even if it does make me feel like I’m back in an awkward teenager phase as an artist…I just have some more growing to do.
I’m frustrated and feeling a bit lost— but I do have hope that I’m going to find my way to something beautiful. I keep reminding myself it is as much about the process and journey to get there as it is the product that emerges.