I've been quiet.
Of course, the reasons have been pretty obvious…
Hospital visits and breathing scares. Late pregnancy. Kids who've gotten way off of normal schedules- a bunch of other 'typical' yucky realities of life that I wouldn't dream of detailing here, because, well, you don't need any more negatives in your life, and I want this to be a comforting, enjoyable, safe place to read, a place that encourages. Peaceful.
I've been thinking.
Have I learned to suffer well?
Anyone who's read here for a small length of time could probably detail the nearly soap-opera-ish roller coaster that has been my life this last year and a half- a cancer scare, a job loss, a miscarriage, nearly losing my life, a new pregnancy, extended illnesses in the family, my husband being hospitalized for four days. A mess. I mean, you look at it bald face and you almost laugh at the could have been written for the movies story-line….it's sort of ridiculous. But the reality is that it has been my life this year. I couldn't have made it up if I tried.
Someone asked me the other day how my faith was holding up, how God and I were these days. And in a way, it felt like the person was sort of searching for an answer, a confession, something, that I couldn't give them.
I can't blame the person for the question. We want answers. We want an easy solution to a problem, we want to see the end from the beginning. We want reasons.
Sometimes there just aren't answers.
I'd love to be able to say, well, this is why this happened, this is why my husband has gone nearly ten months now without a job, why the economy crashed, why every one of my children and my husband have been so very ill the last few months, and on and on….but there isn't an answer. To some extent I think I want to join Job's friends and assign reasons for things when God clearly states later to Job that sometimes things are just plain beyond our ken…it's not for us to know.
What I do know?
Remember all the whispers along the way of this year, places where God came through in mighty ways, where His steps were sure even as mine were faltering from weariness and exhaustion. El Roi- the God who sees me in my need, Jehovah Jireh, my provider. Notebooks scribbled full of stories of moments that undeniably came from the hand of God at the very minute it was needed.
Rest in the knowledge that He did not call me to an easy life, He called me to His way, and His way is a path of suffering, not a life of ease.
And that His strength carries me through.
No matter where the next days and weeks and months may take me, I cling to that perspective. In the good and in the bad, He is here.
And all is truly Grace.