You know, I never realize what a low "roar" we have in our house until it goes missing. The boys are off with Nana and Poppops on a trip to the zoo, and Little Miss Lorelei is ruling the roost today. But she is so very quiet! No loud crashes between dinosaurs and buildings that require police and fire trucks…no run away trains…no arguments over who can jump higher…no fights because "he looked at me". There are little gurgles of laughter. Snippets of babble as she takes care of baby. Big smiles and short cries of frustration when the stroller doesn’t go her way. But she is on medium-soft. Mezzo-piano. Sweet. Kind. What a difference! My mommy ears don’t know what to do with themselves, because if it was this quiet with the boys around, some one is getting into trouble: paint has spilled, crayons are coloring on walls, something bad. I have to resist the urge to check the house every twenty minutes, and have to continually remind myself that the boys aren’t here. And it totally cracks me up!
I find it funny as a momma that when some or all of my children are away, I still constantly look around for my little chicks, and find myself a little disoriented when I don’t see sandy blond heads…when I don’t hear them carrying on. Because then I think of the days when they are too loud, too boisterous, too messy and I am beyond frustrated and wishing for a moment of quiet…wishing for a moment that they would just stop and let me have a moments peace, when I am overwhelmed and tired. What do I do when I get that moment? Think about how it is too quiet!
I am so blessed. I never thought before I had children that I could love these kiddos so much…that I’d love them so hard it would feel like my heart my break. That I wouldn’t be able to imagine a few hours or days without their laughter, their idiosyncrasies, their hurts, their innocence, their hearts. And then I realize that I don’t have much time either…that they are all on a journey away from me and I will spend the rest of my lifetime letting them go over and over again, as they need me less and less. But I hope that in me they will always find a safe place, a quiet rest, a shelter, a place where love, mercy, and grace reign. Some days I really mess up- I fuss, I yell, I get frustrated, angry. I hope though, that the good days, the good intentions far outweigh the bad and they remember first and foremost that I love them. Deeply. Dearly. All the way up to the stars and beyond. Because I really do. In ways I never thought possible. Police sirens and dinosaurs and giggles alike.