Deep in thought…

The Peas were notified this morning that Joey has been life flighted to the hospital…his kidneys are failing, and today is probably his last day with us. Please join us in prayer for the Gallacher family. If you are Pea, consider stopping by the Pub…we are holding a virtual candlelight vigil for the family and have changed our avatars and locations…just to let Jen and the Gallacher family that they are in our thoughts and prayers.
I must confess that today and yesterday have been filled with much quiet thought about a lot of things. Some of you know some of the stresses I have been through, some of you don't. I look back through some of my posts, and it seems like I was complaining about the situations. I didn't mean it that way. If anything, I was trying to process through what I was going through. Trying to understand and figure out the emotions I was dealing with…it's just been a particularly rough year in many different arenas. I think we all have these types of "seasons"…I also know that it has been part of growing in myself…but I won't deny that at times, I have suffered from "growing pains".

One of the deepest pains for me within this last year has been the lack of community around us…we attend a local church, but have never quite "fit in"…which angers me to no end…church shouldn't be about "fitting in" or being "perfect enough"…I can't really describe my sadness at the current situation there.  We are currently beginning the search for a new church where we can be a part of.
I only mention this  in a public blog post because it makes me very very sad…and that has formed much of the last six months for me…when one considers that many of the sadnesses we dealt with this year were directly related to both our families (James' dad's stroke in August, and numerous sadnesses relating to my own family)- it wasn't as if we could turn to our family for support and prayer. We expected that our church would fulfill that role with prayer and support. I don't think that is misguided or wrong. For many reasons, it didn't happen. It left James and I both feeling very alone and saddened, because our problems weren't "tragic" enough or "politically correct"…it exposed a very fake side of our church…and it shook my faith to it's core.

Looking at it now…I can see that as always, GOD was there in the details. Had these unfortunate situations with the church not occurred, I wouldn't be where I am today in Him, in my faith, in my walk as a Christ-follower.  I can't even begin to describe the changes in my life over the last few months.  My faith finally seems real to me. This is a huge thing for me…I never felt this before, never felt the need to change my current life patterns, to really take "a leap of faith"…but God has become so real to me now that I wonder what it was like before.

I want to step out of the "fake-ness" of a shallow faith…and God has been leading me to some very scary places in that regard (Col. 3:17). I am getting uncomfortable…which I think is a very good thing. Nothing seems the same anymore, yet following Him is right. So very right, so very peaceful in a way. I never could understand the verse "His yoke is easy, and His burden is light." (Matt. 11:30) "Hello!?! God, do you live in the real world? If I follow you? If I truly love my neighbor as myself, if I try to live according to your truths…life doesn't get easier, it gets harder! I get unpopular, strange, an "ordinary radical"…an outcast. Yipes! Yoke is easy? Relationships get radically changed when the definition of priorities changes! This is hard, God, it hurts! Where is the whole burden is light thing?" But…here in lies the peace for me, the truth….God is guiding my steps. It is His will, not mine, and He is infinitely wiser that I am, thank goodness. This abiding peace has come to be within the last month or so…it is such a strange feeling. "Things" have gotten "worse"…but yet not…I am not carrying the burden anymore.

I share all of this because I feel the desperate need to…as if God's hand was resting on my shoulder whispering "Write this Dear One…because ______ reading it today is feeling lost and alone too. They need to know that I AM here. I AM Abba Father(John 3:16, Eph. 1:3). I AM the Way, the Truth, the Life(John 14:6)…My grace is sufficient for you(2 Cor. 12:9)…I will wipe away your tears(Rev. 1:4)" God is not a god of fake-ness, of "good enough", of half-measures. He loves you desperately. You are His, just as you are. He, and only He, can do the rest. His Son died for our sins, and granted us new life! How amazing this is, His grace! All we have to do is let go. And let Him in. What a very scary thing this is for us humans who want to be in control of everything…but it so much more. So amazing.  To be loved so passionately.

Holy Holy Holy God
Holy Holy Holy God
Transcendent Adonai
Defending Love
Destroying Sin
The Warrior Divine
Holy Holy Holy God
Holy Holy Holy God
From Every Tribe and Tongue
Arising First
The Nail Scarred Lamb
Salvation's Champion
Holy Holy Holy God
Holy Holy Holy God
Reclaiming to restore
Releasing hearts
Transforming Lives
The Lion's Might Roar

"Holy God" by Brian Doerkensen © 2006 Integrity's Hosanna Music and Shining Rose Songs.

Tell me what's on your heart~

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