• facing grief

    Stories from the edge…

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    The dark night of the soul…
    swirling and tumbling…
    hard edged realities that cut and maim…

    Oh yes.

    I know the edge well.

    I've dwelt on the very tip of it for months…
    fingers holding barely to the crumbling rock.

    And still, I must hold to the absurd notion that there is very much a Creator. Very much a God. Who loves me, who has ordained that I must walk this dark path for a ways.

    I see. I see Him everywhere. Even if there is a storm raging, He is always there.

    I will trust.

    "I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not
    only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

    C. S. Lewis Is Theology Poetry?

  • facing grief

    A farewell…

    On Friday, we said goodbye. James and I both had stuggled with the rapidity of everything that happened. To whit, many people referred to what had happened as 'the surgery'. Few would actually acknowledge that a life had been lost. So yesterday, we remembered. A beautiful painted rock done by a friend, placed high in the mountains of Shady Valley. We know the hidden spot and can return to it if we ever feel the need. A resting place, if not for the body, but for the grief and emotions that have circled since the little one's death. We cried, and prayed, and hoped. And we trusted.
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  • facing grief

    Emptiness…

    It shatters in the stillness,
    loss.
    It seems like extending outward and inward at the same time,
    and your soul can hardly grasp at it.
    Waves crash upon an unknown shore, and lighthouses seem ripped from moorings.
    Nothing is as it seems,
    and yet the world spins by, oblivious, alive.

    Thinking of Samantha tonight.
    Clinging to this:

    For the Lord will not cast off forever.
    Though He causes grief,
    Yet He will show compassion
    According to the multitude of His mercies.
    For He does not afflict willingly,
    Nor grieve the children of men.
    {Lamentations 3:31-33}

  • facing grief,  scrap happy

    Life…

    As you all can imagine, I've been using the visual mediums to work through my grief.  Beka posted tonight, and she said what I am feeling so much better than I could ever quantify. And yet, even as my heart aches, so it aches so much more for Beka…my thoughts are with her as she struggles to take the next steps in her journey. I've always enjoyed "Life Means So Much" by Chris Rice (first one in the player), but it has now taken on such a deeper meaning to me. A friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday (next Tuesday) and I couldn't comprehend it…I just said "Nothing. I am just thankful to be alive, and that's gift enough to me." I struggle to comprehend that I was so close to death. It definitely comes in waves: the smallest thing will suddenly catch me unawares, and I just have to stop and cry and pray. Please continue to keep Beka and Mark in your prayers!
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  • facing grief,  Faith

    Resting…

    Self Portraits 2008 189

    Look at the birds of the
    air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your
    heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
    Matt 6. 26

    These birds soar overhead every evening at twilight. It's a breathtaking sight…thousands of birds fluttering over, a spectacular sunset on the horizon. It happens almost daily, right over the top of my house. The day I came home from the hospital, they flew over with glorious abandon, as usual. I glanced up from my spot on the big comfy chair piled under blankets, and I felt such peace. Because the God that takes care of those beautiful little sparrows, also cares for me, and how much more dear am I to the heart of God? The Message translates the verse "careless in the care of God".  What a promise!

    He was with me, He is with me still, granting rest and peace. He provided miraculously for my health, sustained by the prayers of the saints…I saw His hand everywhere, in the timing of everything. In the doctor he provided for my care, in the timing of each moment that happened. What blessings were poured out!

    I will not lie. My sorrow seeks to overwhelm at times. I cannot fathom His ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts. His ways are not my ways. But He is, He is, my Abba Father, Reedemer, Sustainer, Jehovah Jireh, YHWY, my breath of life. He is mending up the broken places within… I know that this His plan for my life, and it brings me comfort, even in the sorrow.

    And now I begin a new journey. A journey of healing. A journey with grief and sorrow. Grief is fundamentally life changing…right now everything has a bittersweet tinge about the edges. Death hovered near, but God was closer still. I have found so many snippets of Hinds Feet in High Places flashing through my mind in quiet moments…what a beautiful allegory of the journey we must take.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you,
    from the bottom of my heart,
    for all your prayers, thoughts, and love.