Lay it down…

(The dogwood this fall, 2011.)

The calendar has turned; it is Shrove Tuesday. Lent begins tomorrow. The dogwood stands bare over the sandbox, the overturned dump trucks mingling with the burnished, mottled, red leaves of the Dogwood, fragile, broken things that turn to dust as you touch them, and the wind lifts them away.

From dust we have come. To dust we will return.

Tomorrow, I will fast. It will be the first Lenten season in which I will not be pregnant or nursing, and that has an ache all its own. The fullness of life is not within me. It is an emptying out, this season. A pouring out. Tomorrow, I will be marked with the ashes, the sign of sorrow. And in this season, I feel the depth of it. I went my own way, against His will. I know now that I can do nothing apart from Him. I realize I have so much to learn. I can’t be the shuffling dancer, off time, off cue, wandering. I need to follow His steps. Watch closely. Listen carefully to the arterial song he placed within this dust-formed chest of mine.

But on this feast day, I feel the joy and peace. We’ll celebrate tonight with the fellowship of believers. There will be laughter, and way, way too much rich and sweet things to enjoy. For the first time, I come to Lent not with fear, but with anticipation. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. The dogwood is shivering in the wind today, the austerity of winter; but come Easter, the bloom will be on the tree. White tipped red. A sign of joy. I will lay down under her branches. Remember the dust. Only then comes life and resurrection. The seed must be laid in the soil. The Lord is a faithful and tender Gardener. In Him I put my trust.

(I’m feeling the need for quiet. Tomorrow, I’ll be pulling back from all social media and this blog here, except for on Fridays (and maybe not even then). Maybe this be a fertile period of growth and change. Blessings to you, dear friends! May the Lord be with you!)

Art Friday: Thinking it through…

James is a great listener. He has this way of repeating back to me what he’s heard in a way that makes me hear myself, if that makes sense. We had a lot of conversations about art and creating and what it means to me this week. It was inevitable, really. As our home and life has begun to find a rhythm, I’ve been able to create again, and the infusion it brings to the day is unmistakable.

More times than I can count, James has noted over the years how at peace I am when I’ve had time to get in the studio and play; and when it’s missing, it’s really missing. In a rush of understanding, I realized that I shut creating off three years ago. Circumstances played a part, yes- I was so busy. So tired. So overwhelmed. But the real reason I avoided art was the same reason I avoided true worship and study of the Word. It hurt too much. Creating leaves me open to vulnerability, to experiencing my emotions in a somewhat intense way- and by shutting it off, I could stop thinking about things, dealing with things. I didn’t have to face the grief. (Or so I thought.)

As I’ve begun to create again, it’s all coming in a rush. Thoughts and feelings that have laid buried are coming to the surface. It’s time they got out…and I shouldn’t have shoved creating away for so long. I don’t think I’ll make that mistake again.

The one gift I see in all of this is that artisically, because things laid dormant- it was as if a distillation process has happened. Who I am, my style, what drives me, what influences me- it has become so obvious to me that there is such freedom to me now. I don’t feel like I have to continue techniques I hate, or try to imitate this person or that person…it’s just me and what I love.

And as I have these dreams- of what I want to do in the future- I have things that need to be done- branding. Logos. Packaging. It’s so much easier for me to see what that will take, and what is authentically me and what is not. But just in case, I scribbled a reminder yesterday.

So much has inspired me or made me think this week; here are a few of my favorites.

From Ali’s 52 Creative Lifts, Week 7: Life Becomes Picturesque: Facebook and the Claude Glass –this one made me think a lot about how we try to ‘frame’ life, and when we take that too far. And what that means for creating, too. Are we ‘seeing straight’?

Kelly’s Speaking of Real- A Conversation Piece—Kelly’s been working on her brand and image as a fine art photographer, and I think she really nailed something here. I resonate with what she’s saying- I feel the same aspect in my own creative journey at the moment.

Ashley Anne’s On Inspiration, Influence, & Creating- Ashley addressed something that I think all creatives who operate online have thought at one time or another in a very graceful, thoughtful way. I’ve been working on a new line, and I’ve very mindfully avoided certain online areas to make sure that the art I am producing is authentically inspired and not copied. She really makes the line clear between the two- it’s definitely something to keep in mind for all creative bloggers and Etsy sellers. 

 

It was a cold and clammy Thursday…

(Apologies to Dickens. And the picture is here simply ’cause I love it.)

I finally updated my community page here on the blog. Make sure you check it out. If you want to be added, just let me know. Not so random moment- I got a bit misty as I was setting this page up. Most of the women listed there I have been blessed to call friends in real life, more than pixels and bytes on a screen–and, in a very real way, the internet saved my life. Connecting with these women was a lifeline. They each mean a lot to me in different ways…and I got a bit misty about how this blogging thing can truly bring some amazing gifts. (So the next time I feel like grousing about the internet beast, you remind me of this, m’kay?)

This week has been a weird week. I still step back and think to myself that I was absolutely spazzy until three weeks ago. I can’t believe how crazy my life was. I’ll eventually not feel that shock so much, but wow. I was thinking about a time I got together with two blogging friends at this typically-Asheville (NC) cafe last year…a friend of theirs was with them…and I was absolutin’ tootin’ spastic. I was so overclocked I couldn’t think straight. I was so overwhelmed. Yegads. But bless their hearts, they just loved on me and put up with all my nuttiness that day. All my blathering. And you know, it meant a lot to me then. It means even more to me now. Thank the Lord for friends who encourage you and love on you even when you’re being so stupid and spazzy. Can I get an amen?

Anyways- weird week. Things home-wise and schooling-wise are calming down to levels that they have not seen for years. (We’re talking three years or more.) But at the same time, things are kind of wacky. We’re all coming off the roller coaster and attempting to find our land-legs again, and that makes for some messy situations. Total honest moment? It’s scary! I have faith that we’ll all get the legs back underneath and we’ll be able to laugh again, and really be us minus all the drama that has been our life for so long. But I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Re-entry is a fireball existence until you hit the fresh air and the chutes going flying out every which way and you start floating. I feel like we’re right at the edge of that. I’m holding on. My knuckles aren’t so white anymore; there’s some life and color coming back in to them. I can feel the splashdown and recovery coming…it’s a joyful thing to anticipate.

A Simple Valentine’s Banner…

Here’s a fun banner to make with your kids (or for yourself), and customize the way you like- I wanted mine to have a pretty, aged, vintage feel.

All you’ll need is paper enough to make your banner as long as you would like, clothespins (I found these tiny ones at Office Depot for $1.49), and paints and pens (or whatever you want to decorate them with). 

Cut out the hearts. I decorated mine with a soft edge of metallic red watercolor. (It really sparkles in the sun! I couldn’t get a photograph to do it justice.) I took it one step further and copied out 1 Corinthians 13 (MSG) longhand in pretty handwriting with a black micron pen. I then used Jenni Bowlin letter stickers to spell out the last part of the chapter.  

Hang, and enjoy!

Happy Valentines Day to My Beloved

I have hijacked my wifes blog this morning to wish her a wonderful Valentines Day. I count myself the luckiest man in the entire world to have such a wonderful wife. God has richly blessd me and my children with such a wonderful angel as you. I thank God every day that you are my Beloved. I long to be with you when we are apart and am only whole when I am with you. I Love You my Beloved; Always and Forever, From Eternity to the Stars.

 

The family apothecary…

Amanda posted about her beautiful family apothecary the other day. I thought I might share with you a little of what has changed for our family since last year. I first began on my journey into homeopathy mid year last year after reading some posts by Lora Lynn. (She cracks me up. I love stopping by her place.) In a post titled “Pills, Potions, and Eyes of Newt“, no less. (Seriously, ya’ll.) It piqued my curiosity, and then I began exploring and educating myself.

As you all know, I was ill from Nov. ’10 to about August ’11. It was/is now titled ‘severe upper respiratory distress’–which is to say, they never knew quite what was wrong, just that I couldn’t breathe. As time went on, tests revealed a host of heretofore unknown allergies to penicillin and sulfa antibiotics, as well as multiple food and environmental allergies. The stinky thing about it was that I was seriously sick- and suddenly most modern medicines were out of the question for me. The only options left to me were very hefty IV antibiotics, which meant a hospital stay. To me, that just wasn’t an option.

I was too sick between Nov’10 and about mid-March ’11 to really do anything besides sleep, work, and survive- and pop the pills. Lots of them. I was basically on steroids (to help my lungs) for that entire time, with small breaks- we’re talking serious immunity depression so that those durn things could work. Somebody looked at me funny, I’d catch their germs. Every sniffle my kids had was a walk on the wild side for me; we never knew which germy attack would send my body into shut-down mode. I barely escaped hospitalization no less than three times between January and March.

Come March, I began a more homeopathic, natural approach. Diet was one of the first things- I went to an allergen free diet (no sugar, grains, known allergens) for right at a month. I also began at the same time a supplement regimen fitted to my ‘respiratory distress’ desgination. While it wouldn’t be August until I was truly healthy again, I noticed a huge change within two weeks and it went steadily uphill from there.

But back to the family apothecary. All of my kids seemed to take after me. Before this year,  it was not uncommon to have a couple of rounds of ear infections, a few strep throat rounds, and non-stop colds. As a family, the kids and I would basically become sick in November with your garden variety cold, and would be sick well into March or April. Someone was always sick.

Will you believe me when I say that we have been sick once in the last three months? And it was a funky crudy cold thing, and it was only five or so days? I can’t believe it myself. What has changed is our approach- and what we use. This is our ‘winter lineup’- what we grab first. So far, it’s been all we’ve needed.

The menthol camphor mist (think Vicks)- we use this in the shower or bath- sprayed into the steam. We make sure to get the bathroom warm and steamy and then bring the sicko in. Both J and I have found that if we feel a head cold coming on and spray this in the shower that morning, we’ll head most of it off right at the pass.

For cold, sinus, respiratory anything- Elderberry syrup. (The Gaia on the left is the adult formulation, the Eldertussin on the right is the kids version.)

Olive leaf complex- Elise suggested this to me on Facebook after that cold we had, and we added it to our ‘attack’. It’s a keeper. The one she showed me had not only olive leaf but also oil of oregano and something else, but this was the one I could find. This stuff is amazing on sore throats. We have not had one strep throat incident since. And the few times I’ve had a sore throat, this would clear it up significantly within hours, and the sore throat would be gone in a day or two versus a week or more. It’s unreal.

We use the sinus relief pretty regularly with the allergies. It’s a saline solution, and very gentle. I used to be on commercial-grade, prescription strength nose sprays for years, and I’ve had no need of them since I switched to this. (And I don’t even need this like I used to.)

The Temp Assure is our newest addition- we been seriously attempting to reduce our need for synthetic grade meds like Tylenol and the like as much as possible, so we’ve been giving this instead (when warranted) versus a children’s ibuprofen or the like.

I’ve been learning so much about the homepathic approach since Lora Lynn sent me down the rabbit hole last year, and I can’t thank her enough. I have so much more to learn.

(I’m no doctor, or anything. This is just works for us. Please use these at your own discretion.)

Art Friday- Play!

(I am loving me some Instagram. It’s life-changing as far as life documenting goes- make it simple, make it easy, make it fast, make it fun, and this mama o’ six will resist the urge to kiss you for bringing her creative mojo back. Don’t worry Pinterest. You’re still my first love…)

This is all about the dreams… I wanted to start (and did have, for a while) an Etsy store, and I see that in my future. I’ve been fiddling with a lot of prototypes. I’ve been dreaming Kelly Rae Roberts sized dreams- licensing. Creative business. The thing is, after my stint at my job, I have the back side of the small biz down to a veritable art form- now it’s just dreaming big, creating big- and a lot of that? Just means play.

Perhaps one of the biggest gifts I’ve received in the last two-ish months is realizing and identifying my style; knowing what just makes me want to go crazy with the paint and paper. It’s definitely mixed-media. Paint. Patterned paper. (Lots of pretty, pretty, patterned paper.) Words. The Word, more often than not. Knowing what makes me love creating has opened up a freedom- I don’t need to try to work outside of that style (at least right now, and there is always play, of course), and I can hone the techniques that really fill me up creatively. I really, really want to learn how to do encaustics- I’m hoping I can catch a class the next town over, soon.

I took a Zumba class ( a latin dance-aerobic class, thing- Mostly shaking what your mama gave you, honestly…) for the first time the other night and man, was it fun. We were talking about yoga and dance and Pilates (all of which I used to do back in the day), and I was delighted to discover that at least, as far as dancing and yoga, I haven’t lost the skills- even if it did totally kick my bum. I haven’t even attempted Pilates yet. I have goals for a few months from now to start picking it back up- but..*ahem*…the rest of them are real ballet dancers, so…uh…I’ll have to screw my courage up. And the thing is, making art is just the same. It’s getting back on the bike, pedaling for the joy, and letting go of the handlebars and just letting go. It’s lovely.

If your feeling intimidated by your creative endeavors- whatever they may be- cooking, scrappin’, painting, sewing, whatever just fills up your cup- can I encourage you to just get in there and play? Don’t think about all the details. Just go at it for the sheer love of it.

My Elliana girl is one…

Oh sweet baby girl, time if flying far too fast for my liking. But I adore you…the way you squeeze your eyes have shut when you smile or when you wonder if I’ll pay attention if you cry, the way you always toss your arm above your head, finger pointed, like the Irish dancers…the tumble of sounds that greet us as we open the door in the morning, you eyes-squeezed half shut grinning at us over your yellow crib. We are all, everyone of us, head over heels for you, and dontcha know it. We grab you for squeezes…if we can catch you. You are such a monkey, climbing on everything. Love you, dearest of dears. You are such a gift.

A look back at your first year~

It starts from the center…

“If humility and purity be not in the heart, they are not in the home; and if they are not in the home, they are not in the City.” -TS Elliot

Elliot’s words sum up the wanderings of my days- the quiet stretches where the silence lengthens. It is so different to be still; to stand on the beach on watch the waves crash over your feet, instead of bobbing with head barely above water out there in the crashing blue. I’ve understood enough to know now that I need a proper ocean-going vessel. No more desperate dog paddling to nowhere. And the waves crash a rhythm: His love endures forever.

So, to find the boat, the kindling scraps and the big logs to carve into canoe? The next steps. The biggest logs, the Word, strong and true, committed to memory. Studied. I’ve too long let the practice fall. Another scrap I found by serendipity at the library, selected on a whim, and eyed somewhat suspiciously- The Shaping of A Christian Family (Elisabeth Elliot). I didn’t know what to expect.

I began reading it Sunday morning. We were home, missing service, with too many littles coughing and generally germ-y; a gift we thought best not to share. It was like reading a story straight out of Grace Livingston Hill, as Elisabeth describes a life that any heroine of GLH’s might claim. But there was more, pith and bone- talking about how a life is lived. The longer I read, the more I’ve come to a realization that breaks my heart.

I really, really lack discipline.

Reading her words help me understand the why. I doubt I could have heard this admonishment until now; had it come any earlier, I would have immaturely thrust it aside and placed blame on anyone else but my own self. But chastened by my recent experiences, I have ears to hear.

I’ve often heard myself described (at least in the younger years- I wonder to think what people would describe me as now, and yet- too afraid to know) as strong-willed. I’m starting to realize that strong willed is actually defined as someone who can’t control the will- rather, it controls her; to be in control of one’s will would mean (hopefully) anything but strong. A life of quiet certitude.

Lorelei takes ballet with a company now; and while the little ones are just learning the steps and positions, I often gaze into the larger studio, where the company dancers float en pointe to the music for the next performance. I am the little girl shuffling a bit behind the measure- I have so far till I float, but I am realizing with hope, now, that I can learn the discipline the mature dancer holds in her graceful hands. The endless practice. The endless mirroring of the movement of Christ, watching, just so, each time, improving, each time, bringing my will under His. He is the dance; I must learn it.

I’ve watched the girl-women dancers, on the edge of their adulthood, reaching over and over again, stretch-long. They tip from heel to toe and back down again, sometimes in such cadence that the music is accompanied by a steady swish, soft thud. A heart beat. Arterial song. I can hear it now. Spin from the center. Keep your eyes fixed. Lean back into the joy. Dance.

Refresher course…

We’ve lived such a roller coaster lately- James’ dad has been quite ill and in and out of the hospital on a near-weekly basis. It’s just been nutty- routines have not been much to speak of, and school has been a haphazard affair- the basics were always hit, sometimes in a car on the way somewhere- but the real stuff and fire-lighting of our learning adventures? Not so much. I planned most of the year back in August. Last weekend I realized we really needed to re-map it after so many bends in the road, so I sat down and shuffled the deck, marked off where we’d been, where we were headed. I was pleasantly surprised to find that we were pretty much on track but that we definitely needed tweaking in some areas. (I use the ideas presented in this book to help plan. It’s wonderful- and now that my brain ‘thinks’ this way, I find it easy to tweak as I go.)

Ben and Lorelei have been rockets ascending this year. It’s all I can do to keep up with them. While I had planned for a quiet, easy, laid back (no pressure!) Kindergarten year for Lorelei, she’s taken like a duck to water and wants more of a challenge. So we’ve been adding more into her day- particularly in reading (I like to use this book, plus lots and lots of letter-play games) and spelling. I’ve been using All About Spelling for the bigger guys at Lori Lynn’s suggestion as a reading program more than a spelling program, and true to form, it’s helping Lorelei with her letter formation and sounds. I had a total “well, of course!” duh-smack moment when I first started to use the program (to supplement reading, not necessarily as a spelling regimen)- if you can’t read the word- can’t really understand how the word breaks itself down? that will make it awful hard to spell. AAS does a really good job of showing the building blocks of word-building, which translates both into spelling and reading.

Isaiah is a slow and steady chugga-chugga train. After so many breakthroughs towards the beginning of the term last year, we’ve settled into a gentle rhythm of putting all of those new-found skills to use. He still struggles to read- and grows more and more frustrated that he can’t read fluently like his brother (and, increasingly, his younger sister)- but- I’m seeing the ‘slow and steady wins the race’ tactic in action. All About Spelling has probably made the biggest of the changes for us (since it is based on multi-sensory approach)- he wants to do his steps each day, and he does them faithfully and correctly. And whether he sees it or not, I see how much more active reading he’s doing, and less hesitation and more smushing going on. I am confident by the end of this year, he’s going to be a lot happier about his reading skills. I keep them intentionally short and sweet, so that he doesn’t get fried.

I think we’re both a little discouraged about his developmental delays- but still! You have to think about how very far he’s come. This stuff is just small bumps in the road now. Not insurmountable mountains. He will ‘graduate’ (be discharged from) physical therapy and occupational therapy in the next month, and that’s huge. The fact that he understands that’s he’s facing some challenges is huge- he’s taking ownership of his body and his mind. We talk about courage a lot. Courage to keep working and focusing when it is noisy. Courage to not lose his temper and get angry. Courage to commit acts of self-care- of walking away from the stimulus, of finding a safe place. Of knowing that he needs to “Think. A lot, mommy. With my Legos.” Courage to do gymnastics each week, even though “it scares the hooey out of me. It’s fun. My body feels good after.” And so far, no medication. My deepest prayer with his SPD is that he’ll never need medication. I’ll keep advocating for that as long as I think it’s wise for him.

I’m trying a new way of laying out the week- one of my own invention-and so far, I like it. It’s nice to have it all in one place and then decide how to break it down over the week- and the calendar at the bottom is super-helpful for my tired-mama-of-six-kiddos brain. I hate to admit it, particularly as a second-generation homeschooler- but- I think it’s taken me just about three years to find my groove as a homeschooling mama. My ship is more often sailing than sinking most days- and that overwhelmed feeling has faded. Road bumps aren’t so scary any more- rather, they are a chance to say ‘wheee!’ and bump a bump right over. I think that’s the beauty of our blend of Charlotte Mason-ish, Classical-ish approach–we are strong (yet flexible) branch that can bend in the wind of change and bear the weight of troubles. And- of course- homeschooling is life and goes anywhere we go- even if it’s back and forth to hospital rooms and doctors appointments. We can put our learning aside to spend time with Grandfather- precious time that won’t come again- and pick it up later. It’s beautiful. This refresher course has only made me fall a bit more in love with homeschooling. That’s hard to do- I tend to feel a bit jaded about it (being second-gen and all that). It’s lovely. Truly lovely.

If you homeschool, what are you doing differently in the Spring Term? I love hearing about other families’ journeys and challenges.

(I’m not an affiliate for any of the products mentioned. I just use ‘em and love ‘em. Over and out.)

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